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Parts Progressive

January 17th, 2010 admin Leave a comment Go to comments

Parts Progressive
Do you consider Jimmy Carter to be part of the progressive movement?

How about bill Clinton or Obama? Lbj or jfk?

Nope. I don’t think so, per a personal letter from Jimmy himself:

Hi! I’m Jimmy Carter!!!

For you younguns who aint heard of me, I’m a man who fooled America into voting me into the White House in 1976. They had no idea just how big of a pu$$y a dumb peanut farmer like me could be, but I showed em.

First thing I did was to ignore the Shah of Iran and let my pal, the Ayatollah, come back home. Weren’t long at all before he got the people to kick the Shah out and put in place the Ayatollah’s anti-American whackos. Then I let those towel-wearing Muslims kidnap and hold Americans for over 400 days.

Later on, I felt like the jig was up and I got scared America might throw my dumb azz out, so I sent in some helicoptors & troops to try a rescue. They fvcked that up good and made me look even dumber than my brother Billy did drinkin beer all the time. But even though I could fool Americans, there was this funny feller name a Castro over in Cuba who guessed I was dumber than a sack of potatoes. So just for fun, he put all the worst people he could find in Cuba on boats and sent em over to me, just to see if I’d take em. And you know what? I let every single one of those convicted hispanic criminals come right on into America just like a dumbazz. I welcomed thousands of the worst human scum you aint never seen. But that was just Floriduh where they was goin.

It weren’t nothing compared to what I did to the rest of the country. I had nearly every licensed driver on the road sitting in gas stations for hours waiting to pay the highest prices they aint never seen for gas. And talk about prices, I set the US record for inflation! Every damn thing went up whilst I was president. I was also pretty good at givin people stuff too, though. I even gave away the Panama Canal that had been built by and under US Control since 1904!

Later on I got me a Nobel prize for patchin things up real good over there in Israel. Don’t know why though, since everything is still pretty fvcked-up over there, but hell, they gave one to Yasser Arafat too so I didn’t try to make much sense out of them Nobel people.

When a real president finally came along in 1980, I got dumped and started building houses for a while. Remember those home mortgage rates were the highest in the century? All those homeowners who paid rates of 15 percent, even 18 percent? Well, that’s why I sort of had this pangs of conscience, so I started them building houses. I made the democrats look so damn stupid that I didn’t think nobody would never vote for us again. Then, 12 long years later, we lucked-out when this short ole feller name a Ross Perot got a might popular in 1992, and that jackass got 19% of the vote.

That let another hillbilly into the White House name a Bill Clinton. He was alot like my brother Billy, only Billy liked Beer while Mr. Clinton liked cigars. They say he had him one of them real smart wifes, but she couldn’t a been much smarter than Rosalynn, cause Bill was cheatin on her all the time they was married and she never caught him, cept when somebody tole on him. Maybe they said that because she knew what ’sex’ meant and Bill didn’t, but if she was a good wife she shoulda tole him anyhow, cause he got into alot a trouble later arguing over what that word meant.

I did think she was a little sneaky though, cause they was missin alot a stuff at the White House after they moved outta there. Anyway, I thought I could talk at this new feller, cause afterall, he had the same name as my brother Billy. So I talked at him some, and he listened so well that I got him to bankroll them commies over there in North Korea for nearly 8 years. That didn’t work-out none too well neither though, cause they’re comin back for more money today a-wavin this nuke stick…

your professional fool,
Jimmy

Room – Cemetery Junction Parts l & ll (Progressive Rock, Blues & Jazz 1970)